Quietened Angst

It seems you are unable to respond in such a way,

That deeply resinates with the endurance of anguish and pain,

Be it that the meaning has been lost in the floral arrangement so desperately procured,

That longs to end its life by plummeting into the darkest crevices of the heap.

 

I shouted endlessly towards my inner sanity to grant me peace,

Even just for a single night, but those notes drifted off into

Dreams and lies and words all unspoken however always said,

My cries for comprehension sung out finding nothing but a blank whitewashed wall.

 

As your eyes fondled with those words, your mind came up incomplete,

You forgot to allow your ears to hear what I so desperately cried out,

All those languages dazzled and shinned for them,

But you were influent in my ordered verse, my ballad unheard.

 

Was it so that our frail and lonely hearts took pity upon one another,

And the simplicity of a shared meal in an empty apartment,

Had me longing for that which I had once lost?

The bare kitchen bore down on me as the clock ticked away endlessly.

 

Those eyes demanded that I join your cult without second thought,

Such a command swooped away my breath and left my naked frame,

Searching on the ground for nothing but strands of my broken frail hair,

Leaving only a shifting mind, in and out of focus, the pieces merely in tact.

 

That face where I found solace looked different now,

Where I dove into the depths that your eyes offered me,

I came up for breath, short-coined and without a map strung to my back,

All those many months at sea had left me nothing but broken fragments of memory.

 

Your faces were both there all those late summer afternoons,

The sails bellowed in the winds as I sailed from haven to port,

I was out of your reach and yet continued to grow captive to your touch,

Even after their warnings spoken of turmoil and pain.

 

I untangled myself just enough when I returned to familiar lands,

Strong and independent, a freedom chaser, I refused to submit,

However when you took my hands behind my back and pushed deep within me,

I couldn’t help but to let you and even helped you drive the dagger deeper.

 

Despite the fact that in my mind I yelled for mercy,

I could not even grant myself that- let alone you.

I sat in a quiet trance that the heart had mongered up,

Snacking on the sweet starchy flesh of roasted chestnuts in early December.

 

When another heart finds yours in a world of anguish, foolish are those to give it up,

Such a decisive indecisiveness shall haunt your days gone by,

For indeed it would seem that a grief stricken mood would last years beyond this,

And minds will continue to labour over what could have been.

 

So be gone with the shades of grey, be done with all that,

What a harsh infuriation that is summed up with infatuation,

Where the neutrality of the mind in unattainable at best,

Release the clutch, set your caged free! But atlas an unstable future is better none.

 

My blood detests your words and refuses to flow free,

Are you there or should I begin to manifest my departure,

Those three simple words, two in Spanish, they haunt my dreams,

What a ghastly end it would be to endure when te quiero only just found your lips.

 

If you ever want to feel the unstartling emotion those words conjure up,

You must first feel pain, for they are but one in the same,

For this is the dichotomy of life, angst for peace, loneliness for security,

Heartache in exchange for love, we must die so that we learn to live.

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